


Alexander Why THE FUCK DO WE HAVE SO MANY SEX TOYS!?! -- A Fourth Biography By John Laurens

by Riddleisourking, ThiefOfADHD



Series: The Misadventures of Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens: The Many Reasons Why Alexander Hamilton Is Actually A Toddler [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Hes the type of boyfriend to leave sex toys around while the social worker is doing a home study, Homestudy, John is a great boyfriend, M/M, NO LIKE REALLY, To be fair he didnt know she was doing a house tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-02 20:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11516436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riddleisourking/pseuds/Riddleisourking, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThiefOfADHD/pseuds/ThiefOfADHD
Summary: Alex and John are actually getting down to business in adopting a child, but only two things are certain. One, they have a long way to go, and two, they have too many sex toys.





	Alexander Why THE FUCK DO WE HAVE SO MANY SEX TOYS!?! -- A Fourth Biography By John Laurens

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, an actually mostly serious fic??? Who would have thought it was possible

“Mr. Laurens, it says right here that you were arrested for battery in 2005?” The blonde social worker asked as she swept her hair back behind her ear and went over the files that they had filled out together nearly two weeks ago.

A blush crossed over John's face from embarrassment and he looked away from the social worker for a moment before looking back at her, “The guy called Alex a faggot, what was I- Look, those days are behind me and if you'll look at my record, you'll see that it's been one hundred percent clean since then.” He argued as his hand found Alex's own and he squeezed it tightly.

Alex squeezed John’s hand back, lifting it before kissing it. “John’s really not a bad person, ma’am, he gets protective though. But, as he said, those days are behind him and he hasn’t been arrested since then.” He glanced at the lady before pulling John closer to him and John laid his head on his shoulder.

“Just a standard question.” She replied monotonously and she thumb to another page in her blue folder. “Has there been any history of domestic abuse-”

“What?! Alex and I would never hurt each other!” John interrupted indignantly.

“-In your families.” She finished.

John stiffened and glanced at Alex for a long moment before glancing away again and out the window of their living room with a long sigh, “Well, I guess. On my side.” He glanced back at the social worker worried. “That's not going to be an issue, right? I'm not my father, I'm nothing like him. I'd never hurt Alex or any of our children.

The social worker pursed her lips as she scribbled a note down, “I see. Mr. Hamilton can we speak alone?” She asked in a sickly sweet voice.

“Um, yeah of course.” Alex nodded, squeezing John’s hand tightly as he glanced at him. “Mind giving us some privacy, John?” He asked, pressing a kiss to his forehead gently.

“Oh, uh, yeah, sure. I'll make some coffee.” He propelled himself up and headed to the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

 

“So, Mr. Hamilton, has Mr. Laurens ever shown any aggression or violence toward you? It can be even the littlest things, raising his voice, making you do things you don't want to.” She gave him a warm smile.

“He’s never shown any aggression or violence towards me, ma’am.” Alex swallowed, his eyes darting over her as he sat up firmly. “He’s honestly the kindest person you’ll ever meet. We um, we own a soft-shell turtle and a horgi and he babies both of them. He’s a passionate man, and he does well with the children he meets.” A smile cracked on his lips as he looked down at his hands for a few moments before peeling his eyes away from himself and looked back up at the social worker. “You don’t have to worry about his background. The battery charge was a minor offense, and the abuse with his father has a law-binding restraining order so he can’t come into contact with him.”

She jotted these notes down in a margin that she has steadily been filling in right in front of him, “I see, and I see that you were in the foster system for quite awhile after living with your extended family.” She set her pen down and she frowned. “So, you know how important it is that we make sure a child is put into the proper home. Many abuse this and as a whole, it makes the foster system a little screwy.” Her eyes were locked on him now. “Have you seen a counselor for any experiences you may or may not have had while in the system?”

“No, I’ve refused to see one. Not for anything that happened while I was in the system, not for anything I’ve witnessed before I was in the system.” He let out a shaky sigh, gripping his thigh as he looked down into his lap. “Hell, I don’t really bring it up with John. It stirs up bad memories for me.” He whispered.

“Uh-huh… I'm going to request you see one before you adopt just to make sure everything is okay.” 

“Alright.” He nodded, looking towards the kitchen worriedly before turning back towards the social worker.

“Alright, Mr. Laurens, you can join us again.” She called loudly.

The latino came back out, balancing three cups of coffee, sugar, and creamer on a Frozen tray and he set it down on the coffee table, “I wasn't sure how you took your coffee, so I just… Yeah.” His honey-kissed skin lit up in embarrassment and Alex smiled as he guided him back down next to him on the couch.

“So, did you have more questions for us?” He asked, quickly taking John’s hand in his own before squeezing it tightly for comfort.

The social worker pour five teaspoons of sugar into her coffee and sipped at it, “We’ve covered everything else. Now, we’ll need to do a home tour.”

John stiffened up next to him and he glanced at him curiously, “John? What's wrong?”

The latino’s eyes flitted around the room nervously before finally settling on his and he mumbled something he didn't quite catch as the social worker got up and started inspecting their home.

“What?” He asked, leaning closer to him. “John, what is it?” He whispered, carefully pulling him into his lap.

“Well, I didn't know that she was doing the home inspection today and I-” He looked at the ground uncomfortably. “Our sex toys are out on our bed.”

“Oh shit.” He caressed his face gently. “Plan, I’ll show her the room where your turtle is and you hurry and put the sex toys away. I’m a diversion.” He whispered, kissing him lovingly. 

John kissed him back before hurrying up, up, and away. Alex chuckled as he watched him, getting up to go to the social worker, following her.

“So, you don’t see anything that’s too bad, do you?” He asked, his hands finding solace in his pockets.

“Well, you haven't child-proofed your home yet but there's plenty of time to do that before the adoption.” She assured him. “Let's see the bedroom that the child will be using.”

“Of course.” He smiled, leading her upstairs as he hoped John was making quick use to put their sex toys away. “We only have two bedrooms, the room John and I stay in, and a guest bedroom where we’ve been holding John’s turtle. Well, obviously, we can move the turtle to either our bedroom or downstairs, so it shouldn’t be too much of an issue.” He opened the door to the room, letting her in first. Aside from a dresser, bed, and the tank the turtle resided in, the room was barren and vacant.

She peered around for a long time and then nodded approvingly, “More than enough room.” She agreed.

“ _ Mierda _ !” A curse came from their bedroom, following a loud thud as something heavy fell over. Worry filled him quickly before he hurried a little ways down the hall to the bedroom, looking in.

“Are you-?”

John was lying in a pile of sex toys, his entire face was a dark red and it only darkened as he finally looked up at Alex and picked up a dildo that was in his lap, “Why do we have so many? What mad-” His face paled.

“Huh.” The social worker was peering in the room. Alex whipped around, looking at the social worker as his own face paled. “I was wondering when the other shoe was going to fall. As long as those are out of the reach of children, I see no reason to take note of it.”

“I- ma’am they’ll be out of reach, I can assure you!” Alex stammered. “This isn’t going to affect our report, though?”

“No, it's good that you have a healthy sex life, there's been some scientific evidence that a happy sex life means a happy relationship.”

“I- uh, okay then.” He nodded, kneeling down to help John out of the pile of toys. “Did you want to look around the home more?” He asked, looking at the social worker gently.

“ _ Alguien me puso fuera de mi miseria _ .” John mumbled under his breath.

The social worker looked at John confused, “Well, I think I've seen enough of the house. We’ll do another home inspection when a child has been found for you two.”

“Alright. Thank you, ma’am. Have a good day.” He gave a polite smile, squeezing John’s hand as he kissed it sweetly. “ _ Está bien, te tengo a ti _ .” He promised, looking into his eyes with a gleam in his own.

John rolled his eyes but a smile was playing on his lips.

The social worker straightened up, “Well, I'll show myself out. It's been nice meeting you two.” She winked before leaving.

John buried his face into Alex's chest as soon as she was gone, “I can't believe our social worker just saw me in a pile of dildos.”

“Honestly, I’ve been holding back the urge to start laughing.” He snorted, holding John close as he kissed his forehead. “C’mon, we can put these at the top of our closet.” He smiled, stroking his soft blond locks happily. “I love you so much, John.” He whispered.

“I love you too, Alex.” John smirked as he stuck a dildo on his forehead.

“Looks like someone wants some head.” Alex joked, wiggling his eyebrows as he dipped down to kiss his neck.

“Oh my god, I'm gone, I'm leaving. I'm taking the turtle with me.” He joked back as his eyes fluttered shut and he sighed softly.

“Oh, you love it.” He teased, kissing his neck more as he pulled the latino’s hips flush against his own happily. “By the way, if we get accepted for a child, our turtle will have a roommate.” He cooed.

A grin spread out over his lips and he ground their hips together, “Yeah? Maybe we should get another pet for the kid after we adopt it? Teach it some responsibility?” He mused.

“Mhm, sounds like a great idea.” He whispered, nipping his neck gently. “I know it’s a bit too early, but I’m feeling lucky about all this.” He smirked, giving John a suggestive look as he picked him up.

And soon, they were headed to the bed, where they mimicked an impressive gay porno about a sous chef and the ever dutiful fry cook.

 

* * *

 

 

“We’ve found a match for you two but it's up to you if you take him. He has a learning disability and he's red and green color blind.” The social worker set out a file in front of them with a picture of a young child with curly dark hair, vivid blue eyes, and honey-kissed skin. “His name is Philip and he's four years old.”

John picked up the file and he smiled up at Alex, “I think he's perfect, what do you think, baby?”

Alex started thumbing through the file, humming softly. “When can we meet him?” He asked, smiling as he gently closed the file.

“We can schedule you in to see him in about three days.” The social worker beamed at them both. “Nobody else will take him because of his disability but I'm glad you two are willing to overlook it.”

“I’ve been in foster homes with many kids with a plethora disabilities, so adopting a child with one won’t be anything different from what I’ve experienced.” He smiled, taking John’s hand in his own. “What time should we be expected to be there?”

“At around nine. Have you been going to see a counselor, Mr. Hamilton?”

John gently squeezed Alex's hand comfortingly and Alex gently laid his head on John’s lovingly, nodding.

“Twice a week every week, it’s been beneficial.” He admitted, running his thumb over John’s knuckles slowly.

“I'm glad to hear that. Well, we’ll be in touch but I think you two should get ready to set up a room.” She winked.

“Will do.” He chuckled. “See you and Philip in three days?”

“Yes, siree.” She stood up and took the file back before leaving.

John glanced at Alex, “I think he’ll be a perfect fit for us. What do you think he's like?”

“I think he’s a sweet little boy. Probably loves animals. If anything, he might love the color blue. Maybe he likes stories? You tell amazing stories.” He smiled sweetly. “I’m gonna end up asking him so many questions when we meet him.”

“I can only imagine but don't overwhelm him too much.” He kissed along his jaw gently. “We don't know what he's been through.”

“I’ll make sure not to overwhelm him.” He promised, moving into his kisses happily. “I love you so much, I can’t believe we’re so close to having a child of our own.”

“I can't either, I'm so excited.” He grinned against his skin. “Just imagine: we’ll teach him the ways of annoying Burr and just how great turtles really are.”

He chuckled, pulling John into his lap with a smile. “Yeah? And maybe we can also teach him how to care for an animal, and he can help us make dinner and we can even read to him.” He nuzzled him gently. “Help him with his school work, and listen to him talk about his day, hold him while he cries and let him sleep in bed with us when he has nightmares.” He smiled softly, looking into John’s eyes. “We’ll take great care of him.” He whispered.

  
“Yeah, we will, we’ll be the best parents.” He murmured softly.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that happened
> 
> And for the record, asexuals can have just as happy a relationship as someone who isn't asexual


End file.
